There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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