new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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