i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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