I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
