I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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