Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
