i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize