Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
