Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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