we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
