i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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