so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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