even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
