I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
