she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
