dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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