two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
