whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Your mouth is God's brothel.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
