who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
