The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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