he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
