I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
