I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
