Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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