just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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