I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
