I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
