Just took my morning after pill in the library
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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