You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
