life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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