Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
