seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
