When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize