if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
