I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
