a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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