I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
