i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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