ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
