and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I have post one night stand depression
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