I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
