highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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