I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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