I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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