well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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