Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
