you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
