Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
