I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
