How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i dont even know how to be here
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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