Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
