and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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