I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
