I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
