tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
