Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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