I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
